why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
*sighs* because the ‘pee’ is silent
no because it’s dead
OFFICER ON DECK!
cutie reporting for duty
cutie patootie reporting for duty
*gets 5 notes on a post* this is it this is the big one
do u ever have that default username that you always use and if a site already has it taken youre like . speechless
Was I over thinking it all? Please. I need a sign. I want to know if it as difficult for him as it is for me. I want to know where his heart lies. I want to know if he still loves me like he did Friday, and last week, and last month, and last year. I want to know if this is it or if I have a chance to make this right. I have to make this right. My hearts breaking. Sometimes I wish God or Jesus, or someone who knows these answers, would send me magic Tumblr messages and tell me the answers to all of my prayers, and to all of my questions. Is it difficult for him not to touch me or hold me? What did he think of my behavior today? Has he seem an improvement so far? What is he going to decide? Does he see that I’m trying? Does he believe that I’m trying? I’m trying with all of my heart to stay positive and I am. I haven’t weighed myself in over 24 hours. I need to learn that I can’t control everything, and in the occasion that something goes wrong I can’t get overly upset over it. I need to learn that I can get upset, or anxious, or angry, but it’s not the end of the world. I need to learn that I can go to him when I’m sad but I shouldn’t be morbid, and self-hateful about the situation at hand, when I go to him, I need to seek kind words and advice. and he always knows exactly what to say to make me laugh and to make me smile. And I’m learning. I’ve had a long time to think about everything. I just need to show him.
Deleted scene from the critically acclaimed film, Gravity.
oh my god, you tried
obama means family
no it doesnt
obama means nobody gets left behind
Beautiful day. At first I was nervous that even a simple approach would scare him away. At first we were almost avoiding each other. I feared that if I got too excited about seeing him, he may get freaked out. I tried sitting by him when we were called to the house but he seemed uncomfortable, so I stopped, I set a distance for myself. Toward the end, while everyone was sitting in the house, he came over and plopped himself next to me, without me having to ask. It was nice to be by my best friend.
It was time to leave. He opened the car door for me, but didn’t wait to close it. I wouldn’t expect him to, nor was I mad that he had not. We chatted casually on the way to the store, I pointed out pretty houses and he gave his opinion. He offered to pay for candy. Having money with me, I asked if he was sure, and he was, so I let him pay. I didn’t want him to think that I was taking advantage of his money, I could never do that to him. We got to the movies, and I ordered tickets but messed up the assigned seating arrangements. We ended up uncomfortably close to the screen, and the entire row was vacant. It felt like our own bubble. Like it was me and him, actually in the movie. The screen took up most, if not my entire field of vision.
I didn’t make him put up the armrest, often moved by couples looking to cuddle. But I kept my hand in available range if he had decided that he wanted to reach over, and interlock fingers with me. I didn’t dare make a first move, not a hand grab, not a kiss. That’s my rule. I wait for him to open up to me. I wait for him to have the desire to be close to me and a desire to be physical. We laughed and snorted our way through the movie. and somehow, despite not being snuggled into the crook of him arm, I still felt happy just being with him. There was no harsh words or boundaries crossed (I hope). There was a brush of the arm once or twice, followed by a quick retaliation. I didn’t want to push it. No physical contact, but I still felt a connection. I don’t know if this is something I’m making up in my head, I don’t know if he feels the same about me, only time can tell, I don’t know if he was over thinking it as much as I was, I guess that is a question that will remain unanswered. We got into the car, and we drove home, I suggested directions on which way to go and he gladly took my directions. I asked him to pull into somewhere on the way, and he did.I asked because I had to keep my promise.
My promise. I had made 4 months ago, but failed to keep it. What was it? Throw it out. Throw everything out, no shards of glass hidden in my mattress, no razors duct tapped to diaries, no alcohol, no drugs, no anything. At the time I wasn’t strong enough to let go of my past. I wasn’t strong enough to move on from the twisted remains of insecurity gone wrong. But he hangs in the balance. And I would give up my past, give up the darkness that haunts me in a heartbeat if it meant keeping him. I hope and I pray that it could change his mind. So we pulled into the usually busy parking lot, and got out of the car. I walked him in front of my favorite Chinese restaurant and pulled out the small plastic bag. Two bottles of alcohol, one e-cig, 7 shards of glass, and 2 razor blades, my suicide diary, and one pencil sharpener blade, all tucked into the zip-lock. I told him if I had to throw it out, I wanted it to be with him. I threw it into the garbage and took a deep breath knowing that that phase of my life is over for good, and that I was giving it up for someone that I truly love.
We strolled back to the car and he unlocked the door, and this time, he held it open for me. He pretend to close it too soon, genuinely scaring me, but he then waited until he knew my feet were inside the car. It was sweet of him considering how frigid it was outside. We spent the ride home discussing policemen, anime, and airplanes. We pulled up to my house. I asked politely for a hug, still being cautious not to make him uncomfortable, he didn’t seem uncomfortable, but I accidentally hit his hand causing his knuckle to crack. (Another chapter of our running joke that every time we hand out, I manage to hurt him with my clumsiness) I hugged him. It wasn’t too tight, but not lose and unfriendly. It was a nice hug. It felt almost like home. I was happy, After refraining my every impulse to link my arm on his, and to interlock our fingers, and to gently kiss endearingly along his check and neck, it was nice to hold him against me even for a second, unsaid words plaguing my mind. I got out of the car and he waved me goodbye with his new signature anime inspired wave. I walked up the stairs and opened the front door. Feeling good about the day. Feeling good about my actions. Feeling good as to following his rules. Feeling good about myself, and feeling hopeful for our future, if he decides that to let us make a future together. And now, all I can do it hope that he sees how genuine I am about change.
Until next time. ———- M